newest entry older entries Get your ow
n diary at!

2004-09-14 - 2:49 p.m.

In the past year Iíve written the opening pages of three plays, two screenplays and five possible chapter ones for my Great American Novel. Keep in mind, my idea of a Great American Novel contains a curmudgeonly gnome, the kind that wear colored dunce caps, swilling vodka at a local piss hole and spewing lines like:

ďYes I know what a Czar is! Iím from fucking Russia. What did you think all gnomes just burst from the knots in great oak trees dancing around and making shoes? Well, tra-la-la-la! Why donít you keep your little comments to yourself, for Christ sake. Hey, Louie, get me a lemon drop and a couple shots a whiskey for the chiclet here. Girl needs to loosen up, running around here acting like thereís a pine tree stuck in herÖĒ

I leave the rest of that sentence off for the good of all reading this.

Suffice to say, I wasnít having a world of good fortune when my fingers hit keyboard this year. Except for a few essays Iíd written about my experiences moving to New York. Iíd actually finished them, and, amazingly, liked them.

Hence my Great American Novel became my Great American Non-Fiction Confessional.

An old friend had a journal on this site for her and her friends, and after tooting around up here in Diaryland, I found the best means for pulling together material, and by material I mean the ďBowie having high-tea with the Queen instead of QueenĒ variety weirdness that regularly presents itself in this grand Apple of ours.

Welcome to Off-Site Journalism.

If youíve never checked in here before, take a read, get bored and run to see how many critics have lambasted the new Seth Green movie on Everything I write here is meant to stand on its own, so poke about in the old entry area, and if a title catches your eye, take a read, get bored and run to find out what Jennifer Grey has been up to by running her through IMDB.

If nothing else, I hope to have your head wagging in amused pity. A boy has to have his dreams.


To Those Who Have Been Reading This For A While:

When I started this diary, I had a goal. Write sixty entries. I did the math. Sixty entries times two pages comes out to a David Sedaris book, at least in length. Quality wise, Iím thinking more along the lines of Gallagherís forthcoming cookbook.

Well, I made it. This is entry number sixty-one, so itís time I start work. Iíve been making fun of my own writing for about twenty-four years, and now itís time to give the rest of the populace the joy that only I have enjoyed for so long.

Without getting too schmaltzyÖThanks. Just knowing you guys were out there and reading this stuff, and occasionally actually enjoying it, made it that much easier to write everyday. Anyone and everyone who left a note on the site, even if it got deleted for some reason, it meant a lot to see I wasnít writing into the void, and that from time to time people were smiling. Not only that, but so many times, your writing has sparked what little ember of an idea I had here. I told roklobster once that the beauty of this site is sometimes you donít have to write what you feel, you get to read it.

I have to ask one more favor, though. Iím throwing myself at your mercy. With all these gathered words it would mean a lot to know what particular turns of phrase turned your head. If thereís anything you really liked in here, or anything you really hated, or anything you thought could be more, Iíd be eternally in your debt. (Or at least owe you a back rub.) Feel free to toss insults, or even claim insanity in my little book quest, Iíll welcome it.

My crusade to find the perfect one liner will continue, and Iíll keep making my trips to Central Park, with snacks or without, but I wanted to take a time out and offer my sincere gratitude on my mini-graduation day.


John Hague



I always had a back-up entry in case I got stuck some day. My two best friends from college and I all got tattoos over the course of the last few months. It took three separate trips but eventually we ran the circuit. Iíve had this picture on the site since its inception in case I ever needed it. Itís a bit past its prime, so I figure Iíll work without a net from now on, but Iíve already got the bugger uploaded. Be prepared to point and laugh:

2 Letters to the Editor

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!