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2004-08-05 - 2:41 p.m.

Notes from the Male Vatican III:

In an effort to remind our heterosexual masculine constituency of those regulations set down at our past consortium, the following represents all changes recently made to the male code of conduct. Please read, consider, and appropriate these changes to the best of your ability.

1.) No handshake should begin above the waist. The high five has garnered for itself the stench of lame, and thus much be decimated from our repertoire. This includes the “Do you feel the need? The Need for Speed,” Top Gun style up-down high five, unless it is visited upon with reverent irony. As a side note, no matter what level of funk you might have in your trunk, any handshake that dissolves into the three-tap man hug, should switch positions from the standard position, to the “Yo, homes,” cross-palm position to ensure neither man receives and elbow to the stomach. Lastly, for the love of all that’s holy, on the man-hug, your right hand goes out, and your head goes to the left. To The Left! We need no more accidental make out sessions.

2.) Pink is not a color we can ever accept into our hallowed halls. To dress a male baby in a pink snuggly would be considered a possibly traumatic assault on the child’s psyche. So it must remain for pink button downs from H&M. For those who have already made unfortunate purchases, please consider using the shreds of said purchases as grease rags. This is the manliest use of pink cloth.

3.) There should be no more than four cleaning products within the confines of a shower in a guy’s apartment. The post shower rituals require a much larger array of amenities, and this we can understand. However, shampoo, conditioner, and some form of soap, are all that’s necessary to maintain a rugged modicum of cleanliness. Also of mention: Nothing peach scented. That’s just confusing.

4.) The adage, “you don’t mess with a man’s girl, or his car” is to be followed, but in these times it shall be amended with “or his computer.” Fucking up a fellow’s laptop is a cry for a karmic rebuttal of genital warts. That said it is encouraged, no…required that you fuck with a man’s everything else.

5.) Febreeze works on everything. It’s even a fine substitute for cologne. Go get three bottles. Now.

6.) Buy four. One dedicated for the socks. (By the way, we’re still awaiting our residual check, Febreeze.)

7.) What with the recession and unemployment rates being what they are, many are in the awkward situation of not being able to repay debts to their friends. While this is sometime unavoidable, those who think creatively can escape this dire position. Should sufficient time pass, consider other methods of payment: an introduction to a favorite bartender, so your friend may reap the same drink specials you do; a fix up with an attractive co-worker, or if one’s debt is gynourmous, a sister; or simply the destruction of embarrassing high school era photos. The lender should take these efforts as payment, not begrudgingly, but with full cognizance that lending out to that particular man again might not be a good idea. Unless you want a second date with the sister.

8.) We must ask for complete compliance with the Richardson Theory. Those unaware may note, the Richardson Theory reads as such: “To offend one woman is to offend womanhood. Within minutes of one’s infraction, that one woman will have told her friends, and within hours, they will have told theirs. Within days word will have spread throughout their network, rendering the malefactor with a terminal case of verbal Chlamydia.” We are a proud group, and often times the words “I’m sorry” catch in our throats. If nothing else, we can at least muster a “Look, I fucked up. It won’t happen again.” The last thing we need now is more bad PR, and you know what they say about word of mouth.

We live in confusing times, with metrosexuality descending on us like a cancer. Our principles have been ridiculed and spat upon. It is time we lift up our name up, not to the place it once held, but to a new place, where we might find balance with the others around us. We can do better, and hope is on the way.

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