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2004-07-20 - 3:56 p.m.

The following are a collection of linguistic recommendations I’ve come up with as of late. Considering we haven’t had a good run of new slang since the eighties (And really how great of a word was rad, really?) I believe it’s time we stepped up to the responsibility once carried by our forebears and invent an alienating vernacular to keep out the squares, or at least define ourselves with some form of bastardized language.

Shucked: Anyone who’s ever had the task of preparing corn on the cob for Thanksgiving dinner should be familiar with the imagery this little term invokes. With a dash of onomatopoeia, it describes the process of ripping off the outer leaves from the husk, revealing the tender little nibblets below. When you've had your emotions suddenly brought to bear, or felt your little defense mechanisms falter as if a metaphysical wrench was tossed into the mix, this term could well describe the feeling of being stripped and revealed, the last hairs covering whatever it was you didn’t want seen, or didn’t want to see yourself, pulled out front, possibly for veracious consumption with butter. An odd image to be sure, but I still feel it strikes the tenor of the moment rather well.

Fancy: This term has floated around the British Isles for some time, but has never gained mainstream acceptance here across the pond. It remains an ardent favorite of mine, answering finally the question, “Do I like him, or like…like like him.” You fancy the bloke, mate. Plain and simple.

Ri-cock-u-lous: This word finds its origin in a co-worker, who I don’t think would mind the further spreading of the term. It is to be used sparingly, only when absolutely necessary. It refers to a situation that has gone so far beyond the bounds of ordinary, or escaped totally from common sense that ridiculous is no longer an apt term. The “dick” in the middle requires an added boost to “cock.”

XXX: Every one has their ex. Some have their ex-ex. Some even have their ex-ex-ex, enumerating their past relationships with an added ex. In general, I’d say the chronology doesn’t usually weigh that heavy, however, it does seem common to have an ultimate ex. An EX that demands capital letters. Considering the trauma that Vin Diesel issued only a few years ago, (“Welcome to the Xander Zone.”) XXX seems an apt title for the one making the standout performance in one’s theater of heartbreak.

Cell-Blast: As the resident who lives a floor above my local bar’s front door can tell you, occasionally the most heated of conversations takes place over the somewhat impersonal medium of the cell phone. So often have I heard stories of busted antennae, battery packs and screens resulting from a tenuous moment in the conversation, I’m now surprised it isn’t mentioned specifically in the insurance policy we all decline when we get a phone.

Cameo-ing: With reality television bouncing about over the airwaves here there and everywhere, it makes sense that the populace is starting to see their lives more as a show. Some characters get billed in the opening credits, while others pop in for an episode here or there. We have our regulars, and then there are those that drop in and make their impact with a quick five-second close-up before disappearing again into syndication.

Dead-Air: Commonly used to describe a moment in television or radio where nothing is happening, and no one seems to know what to do about it, I feel the term can be easily parlayed to everyday conversation, as there are days one finds themselves, lost in Zen like emptiness, staring off in to the abyss, not frightened, or angry, or sad…just quiet and waiting for the next cue card to come up.

Leak: I’m a little behind on this one, as a few sci-fi movies have had robots or androids look at their human masters cry, and ask, “Why do you leak?” The connotation of this word specifically has its use. Instead of great big bawl where you’re crying your eyes out, sometimes one just slips by. Men at movies, trying not to be affected by what’s on screen, may have leaked and tried to play it off as a loose contact.

All together now:

I’ve just been shucked by my XXX, a woman I once fancied, cameo-ing in a cell-blast the left me in dead air, fighting a leak. This is getting ri-cock-u-lous.

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