2004-09-14 - 2:49 p.m.

In the past year I�ve written the opening pages of three plays, two screenplays and five possible chapter ones for my Great American Novel. Keep in mind, my idea of a Great American Novel contains a curmudgeonly gnome, the kind that wear colored dunce caps, swilling vodka at a local piss hole and spewing lines like:

�Yes I know what a Czar is! I�m from fucking Russia. What did you think all gnomes just burst from the knots in great oak trees dancing around and making shoes? Well, tra-la-la-la! Why don�t you keep your little comments to yourself, for Christ sake. Hey, Louie, get me a lemon drop and a couple shots a whiskey for the chiclet here. Girl needs to loosen up, running around here acting like there�s a pine tree stuck in her��

I leave the rest of that sentence off for the good of all reading this.

Suffice to say, I wasn�t having a world of good fortune when my fingers hit keyboard this year. Except for a few essays I�d written about my experiences moving to New York. I�d actually finished them, and, amazingly, liked them.

Hence my Great American Novel became my Great American Non-Fiction Confessional.

An old friend had a journal on this site for her and her friends, and after tooting around up here in Diaryland, I found the best means for pulling together material, and by material I mean the �Bowie having high-tea with the Queen instead of Queen� variety weirdness that regularly presents itself in this grand Apple of ours.

Welcome to Off-Site Journalism.

If you�ve never checked in here before, take a read, get bored and run to see how many critics have lambasted the new Seth Green movie on rottentomatoes.com. Everything I write here is meant to stand on its own, so poke about in the old entry area, and if a title catches your eye, take a read, get bored and run to find out what Jennifer Grey has been up to by running her through IMDB.

If nothing else, I hope to have your head wagging in amused pity. A boy has to have his dreams.

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To Those Who Have Been Reading This For A While:

When I started this diary, I had a goal. Write sixty entries. I did the math. Sixty entries times two pages comes out to a David Sedaris book, at least in length. Quality wise, I�m thinking more along the lines of Gallagher�s forthcoming cookbook.

Well, I made it. This is entry number sixty-one, so it�s time I start work. I�ve been making fun of my own writing for about twenty-four years, and now it�s time to give the rest of the populace the joy that only I have enjoyed for so long.

Without getting too schmaltzy�Thanks. Just knowing you guys were out there and reading this stuff, and occasionally actually enjoying it, made it that much easier to write everyday. Anyone and everyone who left a note on the site, even if it got deleted for some reason, it meant a lot to see I wasn�t writing into the void, and that from time to time people were smiling. Not only that, but so many times, your writing has sparked what little ember of an idea I had here. I told roklobster once that the beauty of this site is sometimes you don�t have to write what you feel, you get to read it.

I have to ask one more favor, though. I�m throwing myself at your mercy. With all these gathered words it would mean a lot to know what particular turns of phrase turned your head. If there�s anything you really liked in here, or anything you really hated, or anything you thought could be more, I�d be eternally in your debt. (Or at least owe you a back rub.) Feel free to toss insults, or even claim insanity in my little book quest, I�ll welcome it.

My crusade to find the perfect one liner will continue, and I�ll keep making my trips to Central Park, with snacks or without, but I wanted to take a time out and offer my sincere gratitude on my mini-graduation day.

Sincerely,

John Hague

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P.S.

I always had a back-up entry in case I got stuck some day. My two best friends from college and I all got tattoos over the course of the last few months. It took three separate trips but eventually we ran the circuit. I�ve had this picture on the site since its inception in case I ever needed it. It�s a bit past its prime, so I figure I�ll work without a net from now on, but I�ve already got the bugger uploaded. Be prepared to point and laugh:

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